Boobies

When I was in university, I would go into people's rooms when they had left and write "boobs" (and other words for boobs) in the middle of a paper they were working on. Not in the same paragraph where they had just left off--in the middle or somewhere where they might not catch it. I wonder if any of them ever submitted it to their profs without removing my literary craftsmanship.

As you might guess, this blog today is about boobs. Oh, and poop.

The last week and a half have been not so fun. If you read this blog very often, you'll know that a couple of weeks ago I got another plugged milk duct that I couldn't get rid of. I had it for 9 days or so. When I get one, it knocks me to my knees in pain. I cannot hold Cohen, I cannot do anything, and nursing on it really stinks. I generally have an even shorter temper than usual and I don't feel like talking to anyone or doing anything except lie on the couch. So last week I decided enough was enough. I was going to get a solution.

On Monday, I called 2 different lactation consultants and 2 acupuncturists. That makes 4 lactation consultants I've talked to about my plugged ducts. These 2 didn't offer any other advice that I hadn't heard already from the other 2 or reason why I keep getting them. But the one I spoke with did say she knew of a pediatrician in town who was also a lactation expert or had some sort of certification and told me to call her. I called the number she gave me. Disconnected. So I googled her. Found a different number and called. Disconnected. Tried another number listed. Disconnected. My short temper is now getting the better of me. I finally found one more number listed and called. It rang and someone picked up. I suddenly felt SO MUCH hope in just hearing someone say "Hello and thank you for calling Alpine Medical." Made an appointment for that afternoon.

In the meantime, I did hear back from both acupuncturists. The one said she wouldn't work on me unless I had a note from my doctor saying I didn't have an infection in it. Well, I know I don't have one because I don't have any of the symptoms for mastitis and I wasn't going to spend money and time confirming what I already know. And the other one wanted me to pay her $360.00!!!! and wait until May 11th, because that was the soonest she could get me in. Double Blerg!

So, I met with this doctor on Tuesday afternoon and she asked me a million and forty questions about my diet, my supplements, my medications, my habits, including if I played the violin. Seriously. The violin? Ah yes, you play it on the left side and I only get plugged ducts on the left side. I told her "No, but I did play the accordion!". She kept saying how odd it was that I only got it on one side (as did the other lactation consultants) and can't figure out why I keep getting them but she did give me a prescription for an antibiotic (just in case there was an infection brewing) and told me to take lecithin granules every day, rent a hospital grade pump to suck the plug out, lay off the saturated fats (bye-bye ice cream) and get Cohen weighed as soon as possible to make sure he was gaining weight despite the plugged duct (when it's plugged, that boob obviously produces far less because half of it is trapped behind the plug).

I immediately drove to the Lactation Station here in SLC and rented the pump. Went to Whole Foods and bought the lecithin granules, and met Christian at Cohen's pediatrician's office to get him weighed. All this in less than 30 minutes.

Cohen's weight was up from his 2 month appointment, although his rate of growth has slowed and he dropped from the 40th percentile to the 21st. While we were there he had to eat so we weighed him before he ate and after and he gained 5 oz during that feeding, causing his doctor to say he's getting enough food. AND, he sucked the 9 day old plug out while we were there (I wonder how that tasted). And she also said that the way he was eating (pulling off, fussing, freaking out) was definitely a sign of acid reflux and told us to up his Prevacid by another half pill per day (so now the poor kid is taking 15 mg of medicine each day crushed and mixed into gripe water). By the way, I'm being very detailed so that when I decide to give Cohen a brother or sister, I'll remember what we did in case we need to do it again. Or I'll read this blog and decide Cohen will just have to be an only child.

So things were looking up for Team Hancock yet again. Until...

His poop turned grass green and was the consistency of egg whites AND he started pooping a minimum of 10 times per day. This started last Tuesday, 9 days ago, the same day we went to the doctor. It's now mostly back to his dijon like colour (isn't it so funny how you talk about crap when you're a mother...although I've actually always talked about it so it's really no different for me) but he's still filling his pants every chance he gets. He was sleeping 8 hours before last Tuesday but is now waking up after 3 or 4 hours because he has a dirty diaper and doesn't want to lie in it. I'm not sure why not. I would imagine it would be nice and warm. Oh, and when I told the doctor it was green, she said she didn't care if it was plaid. She just didn't want to see any blood in it, which he hasn't had.

So, I had him back to his pediatrician this past Tuesday because he's gotten more fussy in the week since we'd last seen her and she wanted to weigh him again. He was up a few ounces but his rate of weight gain has slowed even more. She's still not concerned though. If he hadn't gained or had lost weight she would have been concerned. After grilling me about changes in my diet or anything else that might cause the increase in crap, she figured out that it must be the lecithin granules. She said she'd heard of mothers saying it made their babies fussy but she hadn't heard anything about it affecting their rate of poop. But regardless, she really thinks its the lecithin.  

So...here's the dilemma I now face. Stop the lecithin so that Cohen goes back to his 2-3 poops per day habit and is less fussy and sleeps through the night again but I get plugged ducts again. Or, continue the lecithin with hopes that Cohen will get used to it and will eventually stop pooing and fussing so much. Or, wean him off of breastmilk and get him onto formula so that both Cohen and I "go back to normal".

After a lot of thought and conversations with friends, I've decided to wean him and get him onto formula. I originally wanted to nurse him for a year but with all of the problems we've had, I just don't think we will make it. Plus, I am starting a new job (will blog about it soon) mid-May and putting him in daycare full-time and he's going to need to be on a bottle during the day. Yes, I could pump at the office every day but you know what? I think that's going to be a huge pain in the butt AND because of the problems with my boob, I just don't think it makes a lot of sense.

And can I tell you the guilt I'm already feeling over it? And feeling like I've failed as a mother and as a woman? And feeling like I'll be judged by women when I'm in public mixing him up a bottle of formula. I'm crying as I type this because I'm already distraught over Cohen and I not having that bond anymore.

I read the following on a website last night when I was searching to see if there was any information on lecithin's effect on babies.

"Many women can breastfeed easily and problem-free. This is the vision and expectation that all new mothers have. We assume that breastfeeding will come easily and naturally and be a beautiful experience, and for some, it is. For others, however, breastfeeding can be difficult, painful and emotionally devastating. We feel inadequate, frustrated, and more than anything, scared that we're starving our babies. We never imagined how difficult, painful or hard it could be."

 

It's so true. For most of my friends and family members, it's been a piece of cake, and for Cohen and I before he was 4 weeks old, it was relatively easy. But for a few of us out there, it's not been a beautiful, easy or natural experience. It's tough. And it's painful. And frustrating. And devastating.

 

And so that's where we're at today. I had a plugged duct today but Cohen got it almost immediately so there was little pain. And he drank 4 oz of formula yesterday and another 4 today which is HUGE, considering he had taken out a restraining order on all bottles and wouldn't even let one come within 500 yards of his mouth a few weeks ago. So we're making progress and that feels good.

 

All this to say that if you believe in karma, you might say that my University prank has come around and bitten me in the boob. Karma's a real you-know-what!

 

All bundled up the other day for our walk with Aunt Mandy. The bundling wasn't necessary today since it was in the 70s.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rockin' the Bumbo chair for the first time. We're trying to get him ready for his first encounter with rice cereal (he needs to be able to sit up in order to try it).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Discovering his toes. He's so flexible, he can suck his toes. All of those yoga lessons are finally paying off.  

 

 

 

 

Pegleg Hancock

Here's my gimp husband. 3 fractures in his foot, 1 in his leg. He has to hobble around on this for another week or so and then go back to the doctor to see if he can go without it.

I'd like to say it's because he was doing something wild and crazy, like...break dancing, or running with the bulls, or being pushed down the stairs, I mean accidentally falling down the stairs. But it's from training for a marathon that he won't be running in. All those months of training for not.

I do feel really bad for the guy because he's been in a lot of pain for a long time. But I also feel bad for me because now I have no one to walk Cohen around when he's screaming and I just need a break. Oh well, I think I can pony up and handle it for another week.

If you drive by and I'm on the roof, just let me jump.

Totally unrelated, but here's a photo of Coey having his first Mimosa on Easter. He started begging me for it as soon as we got home from church but I made him wait until noon. Lush.

Hanging with his buddy, Anthony (a.k.a. A.J.). Cohen is 10 days older than Anthony and stores more nuts in his cheeks than Anthony too.

With gratitude

Many, many thanks to everyone who has left an encouraging comment, e-mail, text or voice mail. This motherhood thing has been SO much harder than I expected and your words are like water in the desert. From the bottom, middle and top of my heart, I thank you.

Update coming soon. I thought I'd wait until after Cohen's doctor's appointment this afternoon to write. This will be our 4th doctor's appointment in a week and will hopefully provide some answers to a lot of stuff going on with our little man.

You should know that we bit the bullet and have Cohen sleeping in the crib all the time now. He's grown 3" since we made the move over the weekend! Oh, and he hasn't slept through the night since then either. Blerg.

Dear Cohen

Well my boy, we've had a rough couple of days, you and I. The good news is today is a new day and things are looking good here at Team Hancock. The snow has finally stopped falling and it's sunny out and we're both feeling a lot better than yesterday.

The last few days have seen a lot of tears between the two of us. Tears of frustration and pain for both of us. You've been frustrated because you're not getting enough to eat and then you're in pain from the hunger. You're still set in your ways and won't take a bottle no matter how hungry you are, but your dad and I are not going to give up trying.

Last night saw tears of a different kind from me. The tears I love. Tears that won't stop flowing when I think about how much I love you. We were having a chat on the couch and you were trying so hard to roll your tongue that I just started crying from how much joy and happiness you bring me. Such different tears than what had been flowing earlier in the day.  

There have been so many firsts lately that I wanted to record so I wouldn't forget them.

First, you've been laughing since you were 9 weeks old. Your dad and I catch you laughing to yourself all the time now. It's so easy to get you to laugh. Yesterday all I had to do was make a hissing sound like a snake and tickle you and I thought you would explode from delight. Your laugh is the best sound I've ever heard...well, it's tied for first place with your first cry. We've made lots of videos of you laughing so we'll never forget your first laughter.

You've also been rolling your tongue and blowing a lot of bubbles. My goodness, you are so proud of yourself when you do it.

When Daddy and I stick our tongue out at you, you return the favour with sticking your tongue right back at us.

You're discovering your hands more and more each day. When you are eating, your hands are constantly discovering new textures. They are constantly grabbing at my sweater, touching your face, touching my chest, pulling on my shirt, never stopping. And then when you're not eating, those hands are in your mouth.

While there will be more days of good and bad tears ahead of us, you are still, and always will be, my favourite thing in the entire world and I can't wait to see what the next few weeks and months will bring.

Love,

Your biggest fan, Mommy

xoxo

Our little Centerfold. Better not let your girlfriends see this one!

Waiting patiently with Daddy for the snow to stop falling.

Little Houdini after he broke free from a super tight swaddle.

MUST. EAT. HANDS!!!

Cracking jokes with Daddy.

Another day, another crying baby

I think today has been my lowest day so far. I started to really think I might have post-partum depression as I started crying from the time I got up until, well, what time is it? I haven't cried in an hour, so that's good. I've cried so much that I need to put new contacts in tomorrow as these ones are ruined.

Cohen has been EXTREMELYfussy all day. If he's not sleeping, he's crying. Fortunately for my sanity he took a 3 hour nap today. I was able to eat my dairy free lunch...oh wait, I didn't eat lunch today. What did I do in that 3 hour window? Can't remember. Anyway, I think he's fussy because he's hungry. Because of my plugged duct, my supply is down which means he's not eating as much as usual. So he's fussy when he's eating because he's not getting enough and then he's fussy afterwards because he's still hungry. And of course the little bugger won't take a bottle. We tried on 3 separate occasions today using different bottles, nipples, formula and breastmilk. Nothing. The boy likes the boob and nothing else will do.

I managed to get out for 30 minutes to get some non-dairy "milk" and "yogurt". I'm eating a yogurt made with coconut milk and it's not half bad. Tastes nothing like the real thing but it's a nice little treat.

On the boob front, I did speak with a lactation consultant today who told me pretty much everything I already knew. She did say that it doesn't sound like a latching problem since the right one is fine. She said some people are just prone to getting them. Lovely. She told me to increase my lecithin intake by 4x what I'm taking right now. And she did tell me to take more Vitamin C and lay off the saturated fats, which shouldn't be hard to do sans dairy. I've left a message with an acupuncturist (their office was closed today) so hopefully I'll hear back from them tomorrow and can get in to see if they can help me. If not, I'm going to hack it off.

Sorry to be so down, but I cannot paint a rosy picture of motherhood today. It just plain sucks.

The light at the end of the tunnel for me is his 4 month appointment on April 29th. I'm hopeful that his pediatrician will give me the go ahead to start giving him rice cereal. But if I know Cohen, the little turd probably won't eat it.

On this day in history

I know that social norms say you shouldn't discuss the day you or your child were conceived but I don't follow a lot of social norms. So...

One year ago today, Cohen Gray Hancock was created in a room at the fertility clinic at the University of Utah. If he'd been conceived the "normal" way, I wouldn't be sharing that info with you. But his creation was different than most.

We celebrated his conception and Christ's resurrection today with an Easter Brunchapalooza at our place with great friends that brought great food. Honey Baked Ham, fruit salad, deviled eggs, hashbrown casserole, 2 kinds of quiche, freshly baked rolls, apple cake and butter tarts. Oh, and mimosas made with freshly squeezed orange juice (thank you Husband). Cohen slept through the entire celebration.

Today was a rough day. I've had a plugged duct since last weekend and the pain is pretty constant and pretty bad. I'm calling an accupuncturist tomorrow since my mid-wife and 2 lactation consultants can't seem to fix me. And Cohen has cried something fierce today. He screams when he eats and it's getting worse, not better. So I've decided to go off of dairy until his 4 month appointment at the end of the month because I figure that's what his doctor will tell me to try anyway. The Prevacid (for his acid reflux) is helping him keep his food down, which is an improvement. It's amazing that he doesn't spit up nearly as much as he did, but the screaming hasn't gotten any better.

So while it's amazing to think about what happened a year ago, it was a little bittersweet today. I'm not going to lie and say I had a huge smile on my face all day because I didn't. In fact, I haven't stopped crying since 6:45 tonight (pain and frustration). But I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

Okay, I'm going to go down a glass of milk before my dairy sabbatical begins.

This is how Cohen spent most of the day. Superimpose my head on there and that's how I've been too. 

Was I really THIS big?

I wrote about this in December but I didn't think I was that big at 40 weeks pregnant, until...I saw some photos our neighbour shot of us a couple of weeks before Cohen arrived. I was looking at them this morning and realized that I look HUGE!

I also realized I really like and miss my old hair. Oh well, time and bleach will remedy the situation I put myself in. Okay, that's the last time I'll speak of my hair. You're probably as sick of reading about it as I am of looking at myself in the mirror.