WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING: A CHECKLIST

First of all, don't judge me because I have that book. It was a gift from a favourite friend and it's actually been useful. Like when I think I'm the only person in the history of the world who's experienced this or that, I turn to the book and it says I'm normal. (despite the fact that most of you would agree I'm not really normal).

Last night I turned to the chapter called "The Seventh Month; Approximately 28 to 31 weeks" as that is where I'm at. 7 months. That means I only have 2 to go, which scares the crap out of me, but I digress. After it talks about how big the baby is during the 7th month and the changes little Pat is going through, it has a section called What You May Be Feeling. It's pretty spot on with what I'm experiencing and I thought I'd share it with you, not to gain sympathy, because let's not forget that I got myself into this, but to create awareness for those of you who might not have experienced this yet (or don't plan on ever experiencing it and just want a reminder of how wise of a decision that might be).

• Stronger and more frequent fetal activity. CHECK!! Pat is continuing it's Grand Mal seizure-like movement. Very herky jerky (kind of like how I dance).
  
• Increasing vaginal discharge. I reserve the right to not comment on this. This blog is supposed to be a discharge-free zone.
  
• Achiness in the lower abdomen or along the sides. CHECK.
  
• Constipation. CHECK!!
  
• Heartburn, indigestion, flatulence, bloating. CHECK, CHECK, CHECK, not yet. Tums has become my new best friend. Beano has stopped working on me. Sorry co-workers!
  
• Occasional headaches, faintness, or dizziness. CHECK.
  
• Nasal congestion and occasional nosebleeds; ear stuffiness. CHECK. I've still never experienced a nose bleed in my life but I do have bloody boogers almost every morning.
  
• Sensitive gums that may bleed when you brush. Nope, not yet. Can't wait! Ummmm, blood.
  
• Leg cramps. CHECK.
  
• Backache. CHECK.
  
• Mild swelling of ankles and feet, and occasionally of hands and face. BIG CHECK on the ankles and feet. From mid-calf down I don't look human. I did tell you how my co-worker shrieked at the sight of my cankle.
  
• Varicose veins of the legs. Not yet.
  
• Hemorrhoids. Have I told you about Harvey the Hemorrhoid yet? Maybe that will be a whole blog by itself.
  
• Itchy abdomen. I have one of those hand back-scratchers that I use. Feels. So. Good. To. Scratch.
  
• Protruding navel. Not yet but it's on it's way. I'm considering putting a band aid on it when it does start to stick out because I just don't like that look on anyone.
  
• Stretch marks. Nope. I have a friend that got them 2 days before she gave birth, so I'm not ruling them out just yet.
  
• Shortness of breath. CHECK. I can't walk and talk at the same time anymore. But hey, I did just save 15% on my car insurance.
  
• Difficulty sleeping. CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
• Scattered Braxton Hicks contractions, usually painless (the uterus hardens for a minute, then returns to normal). CHECK. Contractions are fun! Don't let anyone tell you differently.
  
• Clumsiness. E. V. Uh. Oh. http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a01156f8a402e970c0120a5cc3e97970b
  
• Enlarged Breasts. I wish. (and so does my husband)
  
• Colostrum leaking from nipples. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Not yet, thank you Jesus.

So, there you have it. What you can expect when you're expecting at the 7 month mark. Don't say I didn't warn you.