I think today has been my lowest day so far. I started to really think I might have post-partum depression as I started crying from the time I got up until, well, what time is it? I haven't cried in an hour, so that's good. I've cried so much that I need to put new contacts in tomorrow as these ones are ruined.
Cohen has been EXTREMELYfussy all day. If he's not sleeping, he's crying. Fortunately for my sanity he took a 3 hour nap today. I was able to eat my dairy free lunch...oh wait, I didn't eat lunch today. What did I do in that 3 hour window? Can't remember. Anyway, I think he's fussy because he's hungry. Because of my plugged duct, my supply is down which means he's not eating as much as usual. So he's fussy when he's eating because he's not getting enough and then he's fussy afterwards because he's still hungry. And of course the little bugger won't take a bottle. We tried on 3 separate occasions today using different bottles, nipples, formula and breastmilk. Nothing. The boy likes the boob and nothing else will do.
I managed to get out for 30 minutes to get some non-dairy "milk" and "yogurt". I'm eating a yogurt made with coconut milk and it's not half bad. Tastes nothing like the real thing but it's a nice little treat.
On the boob front, I did speak with a lactation consultant today who told me pretty much everything I already knew. She did say that it doesn't sound like a latching problem since the right one is fine. She said some people are just prone to getting them. Lovely. She told me to increase my lecithin intake by 4x what I'm taking right now. And she did tell me to take more Vitamin C and lay off the saturated fats, which shouldn't be hard to do sans dairy. I've left a message with an acupuncturist (their office was closed today) so hopefully I'll hear back from them tomorrow and can get in to see if they can help me. If not, I'm going to hack it off.
Sorry to be so down, but I cannot paint a rosy picture of motherhood today. It just plain sucks.
The light at the end of the tunnel for me is his 4 month appointment on April 29th. I'm hopeful that his pediatrician will give me the go ahead to start giving him rice cereal. But if I know Cohen, the little turd probably won't eat it.
I really wish that there was something I could say to make you feel better! Please know that I'm praying for you daily.
ReplyDeleteAnd as down and frustrated as you are right now, I have to say that I'm glad you still haven't lost your way with words. That last sentence is priceless!
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. If you need a few minutes... or hours with an extra set of hands let me know! I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteAnywhooo... you have my number + if you want to chat with my LC mum give us a jingle... she may have more advice you haven't heard yet!
grace and peace,
xoxox -kate
Kristyn, I completely understand the very low feelings that you have as well as the highs that happen too. I am glad you are talking about it and getting friends to write back in support. It can be a lonely place if you don't keep talking about it. I promise you, it does get better. It took until Colin was about 6 months old for me to really feel the depression lifting. And, I do feel like it had a lot to do with solid foods. He ate all the time and wouldn't take a bottle either. I so so so understand and know that overall you will feel better and better as time goes by. I'll tell you what: not living near family really compounds the situation, so I know that's got to be tough too. Take care of yourself, get as many breaks on the weekends or in the evenings as you can, and be gentle with yourself. We have no idea what we get ourselves into when we sign up to be mothers, and I think for some of us it is a long road of acceptance and blessing-counting until one day you wake up and you realize that a week and then a month has gone by since you have felt those dark feelings and you are just so thankful to to be a mother and to be alive. Take care!! Loren
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