I think I have the baby blues before the baby has actually arrived

In some of my pregnancy related readings I've come across thefact that some women struggle with their emotions during pregnancy. All along, I've felt great. Once the shock of ACTUALLY BEING PREGNANT wore off, it was replaced with excitement and giddy-ness and looking forward to Pat's birth. It was like watching a Lawrence Welk Show every day! I'd say my emotions have been pretty stable these last few months. I think Christian's even noticed that I haven't tried to throw him down the stairs (like I usually do a day or two before I get my monthly visitor). But enter the sadness.

When we were trying to conceive, there was a very dark period of time that was so overwhelming for me. I had this un-shakeable sadness and my thoughts were very, very, VERY, dark for waaaaaaaaaay too long a stretch. I cried on my way to work, in the bathroom at work, on the way home from work, in bed, in the shower, at church, in Babinski's Baby Boutique, in the grocery store, at the gas station, watching t.v., in my husband's arms, in my friends' arms...you get the picture. My job turned out to be something so far less than what I had expected and I felt like the world's biggest failure. Money was so tight for us because I am a crazy woman and took a 100% commission job in advertising during the beginning of one of the worst economic times in this country. To top it off, everyone around me was getting pregnant left, right, and center. I seriously had one weekend where I found out 3 people were pregnant (one on Saturday, one on Sunday, and one on Monday). And the majority of these conceptions were either unplanned or came very easy to my dear, sweet friends. And then I had my posse that would call or e-mail me around the time I was expecting the Crimson Tide to find out if I'd "gotten it yet." And then there were the people that would say "When are you going to get started on that family of yours?", not knowing it had been a year and a half of A LOT OF TRYING, a lot of horrible invasive tests, and a lot of very bad thoughts. Side note: I'm learning a lot of do's and don'ts during this pregnancy and one thing I learned while trying to conceive is to not ask someone when they're going to start trying. You just never know--maybe they've been trying for years and you are pouring battery acid in their very open wounds. And so I'm letting you know right now that I will never, ever, ever ask you if you are trying. So don't think me uncaring--it's actually because I DO care that I'm not asking.

All that to say I wasn't really blue. I was an unidentified shade of blue on the spectrum of emotions. But what I'm experiencing right now is in fact an identified shade of blue. Maybe cornflower blue. Or sky blue. Nothing too dramatic, but it's there. You might not notice it even because I'm still laughing, still cracking jokes, still acting like my normal self. But I know it's there. And it kind of turned a couple of hues bluer yesterday when it actually should have lightened up a bit. Here's why.

On Monday morning we had our friends, Greg, Tara, and their 2 year-old boy, Benton, over for a pancake breakfast. Tara was 40 weeks pregnant and was going to be induced this coming Thursday. Tara wasn't quite herself because she was concerned that she hadn't felt the baby move and she spent some time on the red shag carpet in the Swingers Lounge (our family room in the basement), trying to get that baby to do something (I think it was in a pancake and sausage coma). They left to get things checked out at the hospital as I guess that's what you do if you can't get the baby to move. Well, that night she called to say her water had broken and they were at the hospital and she was dilated to a 3. Fast forward to yesterday morning at 7:55 a.m. when Greg called to say she was fully dilated and ready to push and I had better drive like a bat out of hell to get there in time. Which I did because I am the best driver I know. Saw them before game time and went to wait in the hall for their baby's arrival. I should probably inform you that they are cool people, just like Christian and me, and didn't know the gender of the baby.

Everyone except me has been predicting a girl. I was so sure it was a boy that I went out on Saturday and bought a super cool onesie made for a boy.I was hoping they'd have a boy because I'm so sure that Pat is a boy, I wanted our sons to grow up and be best buddies. But they didn't have a boy. After pushing through only 2 contractions, I repeat, 2 contractions, lasting less than 2 minutes total, Tara produced a girl, Charlotte May Ross (6 lbs 6 oz, 17.5"). I heard Greg yell "It's a girl!" and out poured the tears. Tears of joy for them. SOOOO much joy for them because I knew they were hoping for a girl. But also tears for myself. Pity tears. Disgusting selfish tears--one of the worst kind of tears you can cry. How awful is it that I'm admitting this for anyone to read? And the crazy part is Pat could be a girl and they'll grow up best buddies anyway. But the blue calmed down once I went in the room (saw some things I never want to see again and are too awful to ever write about), saw Greg and Tara's faces, and of course, met Charlotte.

So I remain slightly blue, but not so blue that a stranger would identify me as a Smurf or a member of the Blue Man Group. And I'd rather be a little blue than an unidentified colour of blue that I was earlier this year. But I expect it to let up soon, especially as we have so much to do to get ready for Pat (that's a whole nother blog entry). In the meantime, enjoy some photos from the last couple of days. Oh, and tomorrow marks 24 weeks, which I will celebrate at the mid-wife's office on the scale. I'll be posting a 24 week photo in the next couple of days and all I have to say is HOLY CRAP! The change from 20 to 24 weeks is ridiculous!

Here we are--our last bump to bump shot ever!

What happened to your neck Christian? Here we are celebrating Christian's birthday at this wonderful restaurant in SLC, Tin Angel. I think I'm starting to look like Jabba the Hutt. Why don't you come a little closer, Luke Skywalker...let me get a real good look at you before I put you in my belly!

Charlotte just a few minutes old and HEY!! check out that cleavage on you know who!! (Tara, do not murder me for putting this photo on the interweb).

Christian holding only his second newborn baby EVER. Better get used to it Christian. Mama's heading to Vegas post-partum!

Using Charlotte as Pat's stunt double.