Now before you get all mad at me for joking around about infidelity, please know that someone very close to me had her husband cheat on her with his hygenist (and married her shortly after the divorce was final). I don't take adultery lightly and neither should you. But I really couldn't come up with a better, more accurate title for this post.
A few weeks ago my husband, Christian, turned to me in all seriousness and said "I know what I want for my birthday...a Jack LaLanne Power Juicer." My response: "Yeah right. You're kidding, right? What are you, gay?" Nope, the man was as serious as he knows how to be. Turns out he'd seen an infomercial. It was love at first sight! And I'm not kidding at all. Being the adoring wife (and not knowing what else to get him), I promptly found one and bought it and hid it in the extra dryer we have in the garage, right beside the beer/condiment fridge. Little did I know what was in store for the Hancock household.
The night we celebrated his birthday I gave him his other gift (a print I had made of his other love, our scooter Stella) and told him to close his eyes. I ran/waddled out to the garage and heaved the 30 lb juicer out of the dryer and ran/waddled back into the living room where he still had his eyes closed. I placed it beside him, stood back so I could watch his reaction, and told him to open his eyes. I'm not kidding you, if our friends hadn't been sitting there, he would have squealed with delight. It was like watching a 5 year old open the one thing he'd been hoping Santa would place under the Christmas tree. It was that kind of pure glee. It was cool to watch. Again, little did I know.
In 2 days, and I kid you not, 2 days, my husband spent almost $60.00 on fruit!! On fruit!! One day he juiced 3 times. Since his birthday, he has had juice every single day for breakfast (and nothing else)and most days comes home to juice again. I could do without setting my alarm in the morning because at exactly 7:30 every day, I hear the juicer start up. Our beer/condiment fridge looks like half of Costco's freaking produce department. We went to Barnes & Noble to look for some books on how to get your baby to sleep and he comes down the escalator, almost skipping down the escalator, with a juice recipe book in hand and asked me if he could buy it. I might keep track of our spending but I don't control the purse strings and said "why not." Sometimes he calls me at work to tell me what he's going to juice that day. Did I mention the juicer has it's own special place at the dining room table? And tonight I came home from running some errands to find this:
Christian in bed with the juicer!
If he wasn't such a great husband AND the father of our unborn child, I think I'd be kicking him and that two-bit hussy of a juicer to the curb.
hilarious!
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